Dear Readers: It’s April Fools’ Day, the one day I can share some of the more unique letters that come my way — clearly, more than a few of which were written in an attempt to have some fun with me. Enjoy!
Dear Abby: I have this really hot, sexy latex dress in lilac. I can’t decide which color 6-inch stilettos to wear with it, black or white. I don’t want to look trashy.
In the East
Dear Fashionista: With latex in April, wear flats and a LONG overcoat.
Dear Abby: Many times when I would wake up in the morning, I’d find toothpaste already on my toothbrush, courtesy of my foreign-born girlfriend, “Inger.” Because I am chivalrous, I figured I would return the favor. So at night before going to bed or in the morning, I’d tiptoe to the bathroom and put toothpaste on her toothbrush.
Well, the other day Inger told me, “DON’T put toothpaste on my toothbrush!”
I was flabbergasted. And if that’s not enough, she no longer preps my toothbrush, either.
I know, I know — I should have asked a simple “Why?” but I wasn’t in the mood for drama. Now it’s eating at me and I just don’t get it.
Dear Confused: I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but here it is: Inger appears to be giving you the brush-off.
Dear Abby: I married a wonderful man last week. It was the wedding of my dreams except for one thing: My husband’s sister brought six birds with her and insisted it was perfectly acceptable to keep them in the reception area. My new in-laws all said I was “unreasonable” for not allowing the caged birds in the reception area.
I was strong and stood my ground. After a year of preparation, I didn’t want our nuptials spoiled by uninvited birds. Has anyone ever written to you about uninvited birds being brought to a wedding?
Dear Ruffled: The only ones I can recall were a few cuckoos, but I’m not sure they were of the avian variety.
Dear Abby: I have a dear old friend I talk with on the phone several times a day. She is the talkative type and sometimes keeps me on the phone for half an hour at a time. The problem is I have an overactive bladder and sometimes must rush to the bathroom. It’s very embarrassing. Is there a nice way to tell her I need to get off the phone for a few minutes without being rude or too specific?
In Las Vegas
Dear Leaking: Yes. Tell her to hang on, you’ll be back in a flush.
Dear Abby: All the letters you have printed about pennies brought back the memories of what happened in our family when I was very small. My mother won a $10 gold piece for her sponge cake, but our family dog swallowed the coin.
You are probably wondering if we got the coin back. No, we didn’t. Turned out the coin was counterfeit, and the dog couldn’t “pass it.”
In Amherst, Ohio
Dear Gotcha!: Now that’s a shaggy dog story if I ever heard one. (And for a moment, I swallowed it.)
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.