Dear Abby: I am a divorced woman in my mid-40s. I started dating again about two years ago, and shortly after, I met “Jed.” He is someone I’d love to spend the rest of my life with. We have been seeing each other for more than a year, and I’d like some sort of commitment. I have tried talking to him about it. All he’ll say is, “We’re committed and monogamous and that’s enough, so don’t start with me.”
We spend Thursday through Sunday together. Jed says Monday through Wednesday is his time to be alone. We don’t talk or see each other during that time. We may email or text, but I’m not allowed to go to his house or call him. I have told him I don’t want to still be packing for weekend trips to his house — it’s 10 minutes away — when I’m 80.
I also never know how Jed feels about me. He never tells me he loves me, and if I say it, he’ll say it back very quickly like it’s an inconvenience. He doesn’t compliment me or act like I’m important to him at all.
I’m financially stable but would have a better lifestyle if I could share the bills with someone. Marriage is not important, and I have explained that to him, but I want a full-time commitment. Am I wasting my time?
Dear Time’s a Wastin’: Do you realize that not once in your letter did you mention anything POSITIVE Jed does for you? He has told you directly that this is as committed as he’s willing to get. Men who “love” women don’t forbid them from coming to their home or calling; in fact, they WELCOME them. Jed doesn’t say “I love you” unless he is cornered because it appears he DOESN’T love you.
Yes, you’re wasting your time. If you want someone to share living expenses so you can enjoy a better lifestyle, find yourself a roommate.
Dear Abby: I have been married for 29 years and I’m having concerns about my husband. I’m not sure what to make of the fact that he is becoming effeminate.
For many years he has shaved his underarms, legs, etc., to the point that he is completely hairless. He recently lost some weight and is joining a gym. He wears women’s stretch tights and a girdle to work out, because he says it helps him sweat around his middle. He is also very concerned about exfoliating the bottom of his feet and putting lotion on his legs.
He says these things shouldn’t bother me, but they do. I don’t know what to make of it, and when I try to talk to him about my concerns, he blows me off. Do other men do this kind of stuff? I’ve only been with him, so I don’t know. Can you give me another perspective?
A Little Worried
Dear Worried: These days some men wax, shave, moisturize and exfoliate their bodies. Your husband may wear tights at the gym because he looks around and sees younger men with sleeker physiques and he’s self-conscious about his own. If he’s not getting strange looks from others working out there, his attire may not be that unusual.
It’s important that couples, particularly those who have been married as long as you two have, be able to talk to each other. Because some of this is a recent change in your husband’s behavior, you deserve an explanation.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.