Dear Abby: My brother-in-law passed away six months ago, and my mother-in-law, “Grace,” is understandably grief-stricken. My husband and son have been very supportive of her. My father-in-law passed away nine years ago. I have tried to be supportive as well, but Grace and I have always had a contentious relationship, and she really wants nothing to do with me.
The problem is, my husband and son have all but disowned me. They spend an enormous amount of time comforting and consoling her to the point that there’s no affection or time left for me. I have tried talking to them about it, but they tell me I’m being selfish.
I realize my mother-in-law has had an enormous loss, but she refuses to interact with anyone else! Other family members have tried to console her, but she only wants my husband and son. I thought it would be for a short while, but this seems to be permanent. They have shut me out of their lives.
I have begun going out with my own friends and living my life on my own, but I miss my family. My parents and brother died some time ago, so they are all the family I have. Am I selfish, and should I let this continue? How do I just live my life alone now?
Lonely in the East
Dear Lonely: While I sympathize with your mother-in-law, it appears there is more going on here than the fact that she’s grieving. That Grace has shut out her other relatives and has allowed herself to become dependent upon your husband and son to the extent that it is harming your marriage isn’t healthy for any of you. If this continues, counseling may be in order for ALL of you — grief counseling and support for “Mama” and marriage and family counseling to save your relationship with your husband and son. Please don’t take what I am advising lightly.
Dear Abby: Recently, my elderly father and his girlfriend threw a wedding for themselves. Invitations were sent with requests that included: dinner was to be a potluck, guests were asked to provide singing and music for the entertainment, and a note was enclosed that read, “In lieu of gifts, a monetary donation for our honeymoon fund would really make our day.”
Now, weeks later, I have found out it was a huge charade. There was no wedding. What do I say to them? More than 50 friends and family attended this joke ceremony. Bear in mind, the bride and groom have been married multiple times before, and I now question the validity of those marriages.
Duped in the Midwest
Dear Duped: If guests traveled a long distance to attend the “wedding” as well as contributed money toward the “honeymoon,” I can see why they would be upset about the fraud. I can also see why in the future the happy couple will have lost credibility and will have trouble attracting a crowd to their next performance.
What should you say to them? If you think anything you might say would shame them, forget it. They are without shame. And if you are invited to another shindig, just say NO.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
