Dear Abby: My middle-aged younger sister is 12 months into a midlife crisis. She has divorced her husband and abdicated her role as a mother, preferring instead to be a buddy to her teenage sons. She has started sleeping around, smoking pot and drinking — a lot. Needless to say, our family is very concerned.
This behavior is nothing like her. When she does take our calls, she lies about what she’s doing. We have caught her doing it, and so far we have just held our tongues. I’m unsure whether confronting her about her behavior would help or hurt her.
I love my sister and always will, but I have lost a lot of respect for her, and our relationship has been damaged. Should I tell her I know she is acting reckless and being dishonest?
Helping or Hurting
In the South
Dear Helping or Hurting: Yes! By remaining silent you are enabling her to continue.
Dear Abby: My husband, “Ken,” decided to have his mother move in with us without first asking me how I felt about it. I don’t want to be insensitive. I know she has nowhere else to go. The problem is, she’s the most domineering person I have ever known. If she enters a room and doesn’t like a picture, she’ll move it or get rid of it without asking.
When I tried to warn my husband that this wouldn’t be easy, his response was, “You just don’t like my mother.” I do like her, but I don’t know that I can live with her. I feel like my marriage is hanging by a thread. Any advice?
Seriously Stressed-out
Dear Seriously Stressed: Your mother-in-law is acting like YOUR house is HER house. Set her straight. And if your husband tells you, “You just don’t like my mother,” tell him that it isn’t that you don’t like her; it’s that you don’t like the way she’s acting and you will no longer tolerate it.
Dear Abby: When is it appropriate to correct someone’s spelling and/or punctuation errors? Our pastor writes a message in our church’s monthly newsletter and invariably makes several grammar or spelling mistakes. The church secretary also makes mistakes in our weekly bulletin and never catches the pastor’s errors. In addition, the day care personnel at our church make mistakes in the written lessons for the children.
I have offered to proofread for our pastor and secretary, but they never take me up on my offer. I grew up in a time when accuracy mattered, but nowadays many folks think that if one can make oneself understood, that is good enough. I’m interested in what you would advise.
Fussy Writer
In Maryland
Dear Writer: You were kind to volunteer to edit the bulletins and newsletters, but you can’t force the pastor and church secretary to accept your generous offer. However, because young children model the behavior of the adults around them, my advice to the parents would be to remove theirs from any program in which the day care personnel are so poorly educated they can’t use proper English.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
